What Anxious Attachment is and What it Isn’t
With the rise of social media, there has been an overwhelming amount of content dedicated to therapy. If you’ve found yourself on any therapy channel or account, then you may have stumbled upon a description of anxious attachment. These videos or posts may have given a general explanation of the concept, but oftentimes, these posts oversimplify the concept. In this blog, I hope to clarify the definition for you by fleshing out what anxious attachment is — and what it is not.
Let’s start with a definition—anxious attachment is a type of attachment style that is characterized by a strong desire for closeness, fear of abandonment, and heightened emotional responses in relationships. To give you a better understanding of the definition, let’s walk through some features and examples of what anxious attachment is, and later, I’ll provide some examples of what it is not.
Anxious attachment is…
constant fear of abandonment or rejection. Someone who experienced a sudden loss of a caregiver, or had an emotionally detached or inconsistent caregiver, may always stay on high alert looking for signs that love or closeness is going to disappear. For example, if a partner suddenly becomes shorter over text or takes longer than usual to respond, someone with anxious attachment may quickly begin worrying that the partner is upset or pulling away emotionally.
hyperawareness of your partner’s mood or needs. This may stem from a time when connection to a caregiver felt unpredictable. People who are anxiously attached often become extremely sensitive to subtle emotional shifts. There can be a small change in tone or energy that others may overlook, but they will pick up. For example, a partner may seem to be quieter than usual after work. Someone who is anxiously attached may immediately assume that there is something wrong.
difficulty self-soothing, or regulating emotions. Without reassurance from others, anxiously attached individuals can struggle to self-regulate. There is often a need of external validation to feel emotion grounded. If there is distance or conflict with a romantic partner, someone who is anxiously attached can be overwhelmed by this. They can struggle to calm themselves internally, and as a result, they may repeatedly seek reassurance that everything is okay.
a tendency to overfocus on relationships, while losing connection to themselves. People that are anxiously attached. will spend a great deal of time trying to make sure that their connection with their partner is secure. This hyperfocus will often lead to neglect of their own needs or hobbies.
Anxious attachment is not…
being needy or too emotional. All of us have the need to be close with others, get reassurance, and have a connection. Wanting a partner who is emotionally responsive to you does not automatically mean you are anxiously attached. Those are healthy and normal relational needs.
loving too much. There is an important distinction between deeply loving someone and feeling insecure within the relationship. This distinction should be clear. The issue is not that they care too much or love too deeply, but that fears of rejection or abandonment can get in the way with how they experience closeness.
caused solely by childhood trauma or bad parenting. Early caregiving experiences can play a major role in shaping attachment style. However, these attachment wounds can also form later in life. Through betrayal, emotionally unavailable partners, inconsistent relationships, and abandonment, people can get anxiously attached. Relationships are complex, and attachment patterns are often shaped across many experiences.
is not a permanent identity. One of the biggest misconceptions online is that people are permanently stuck in one attachment style forever. However, attachment styles are adaptive, and those patterns can change over time. Through self-awareness, and being in emotionally healthy relationships, you can learn to regulate emotions more effectively and move toward a greater security in relationships.
I hope this blog helped clarify what anxious attachment is — and what it is not. With so much information and advice circulating online, attachment terminology can easily become oversimplified or misunderstood.