How to Deescalate an Argument

In an ideal world, conflict is straightforward—an issue arises, this issue is addressed, each person listens, and you both move toward resolution. Unfortunately, the reality of arguing can be messy. Maybe your parents keep reminding you of something you “should” be doing, or a coworker makes a comment that rubs you the wrong way, and suddenly you feel your blood pressure begin to rise. Or maybe you try to bring something up—like asking your partner for help around the house—and instead of listening to you, they snap back. Before you know it, the argument has escalated.

First, I want to acknowledge that this is completely normal. It is a part of who we are to protect our feelings. We do not want to feel hurt, and we defend ourselves.

If we spend any significant amount of time with another, differences are bound to arise. Naming those differences might stir some conflict, but this is necessary to reach a shared understanding and resolution. However, there is a difference between productive conflict, which brings people closer, and unproductive conflict, which leaves both people feeling unheard, misunderstood, and further apart. These unproductive arguments are times when we find ourselves in a heated debate—we are more worried about protecting ourselves than resolving the argument.

If you find yourself in this situation, here are a few things to consider to de-escalate the argument.

First, take a breath. This won’t resolve the conflict, but centering yourself to stay grounded can be a good starting point. Entering a conflict when emotionally charged can almost guarantee escalation. If you have the chance, take a moment, breathe, and collect yourself and your thoughts.  

Listen for feelings. When an argument escalates, it’s not necessarily about the content, but rather the emotional charge behind the content. To get to the root of the argument, listen for feelings. Is the person you’re arguing with scared, hurt, or feeling dismissed? After listening for the underlying feelings, reflect back what you heard to check for understanding: “It sounds like you felt ignored when I didn’t respond, is that right?” You’d be surprised how often simply naming the emotion can help reduce tension.

Communicate feelings, don’t attack. Attacks, accusations, or generalizations escalate conflict almost instantly. You can express your feelings without assigning blame: “I feel hurt when I’m interrupted” or “I feel anxious when we raise our voices.” Shifting away from blame and towards your feelings can help redirect the conflict to focus on what’s actually happening inside you rather than who’s at fault, creating space for understanding.

Validate, even if you disagree: You don’t need to agree with another, but it is helpful to validate. This tells the other person: “I hear you.” You can acknowledge their experience while still in disagreement: “I understand why that would upset you.” When someone feels heard, they usually soften.

Don’t try to be right. As much as you think you are right, de-escalating the conversation won’t happen by pushing harder. It comes from understanding, not winning. We are human, we will have different values and perspectives—and that’s okay. You don’t need to change their mind, but you do need to understand their perspective.

Avoid problem-solving: When someone is angry, they aren’t thinking logically—they’re reacting emotionally. Stick to finding connections. Don’t try and fix the problem. If you jump quickly to a solution, you risk making the other feel invalidated.

These ideas are not a quick fix, but rather helpful strategies to consider when you feel an argument is escalating.  When we are able to stay grounded, slow down, validate feelings, and listen deeply, conflict becomes an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. If you can find ways to leave each conflict with a little more understanding of each other, you are already moving in the right direction.