Why (and When) to Go to Couples Therapy
Similar to individual therapy, there is an emerging belief – both among couples and within the clinician community – that “any couple can benefit from couples therapy.” This is not to say that every couple should start couples therapy right away, but increased understanding of our partners and ourselves in relation to them, is an outcome of couples therapy that can support the couple at any stage, and in nearly any state.
What Does Couples Therapy Do?
Just like with individual therapy, couples therapy will look different for every couple, based on what the couple comes to therapy with, how the clinician practices, and what the couple’s goals are. But conflict is an inherent part of being in relation to another person, and better understanding that conflict–what emotional responses become activated in us, what our defensive actions in response to those emotions activate in our partner–is a central goal of couples therapy. I often frame the first phase of couples work as one of collectively slowing down and examining the conflict dynamic that exists in the couple today–i.e. “I bring up something that bothers me, and then she shuts down, which just makes me more upset, so I yell, which just makes her shut down more.” Understanding the emotional needs and attachment wounds that have taught us to respond the way we do (more yelling, more withdrawal) is something that all couples therapy should be able to support with. From there, what a couple chooses to do may vary; for some couples, understanding that dynamic and having language to speak to it, is itself a good amount of work and sufficient for them to take it and run with it; they’re able to confront new conflicts with improved patterns of handling them. Other couples may continue with couples therapy, wanting support in applying this understanding to new areas of their relationship.
Benefits to Therapy Earlier in the Relationship
The conflict pattern couples often present with in therapy are not new ones. In fact, they’re usually quite well-trodden and the conflict can almost occur on autopilot because of how often it’s occurred. It’s very common for a couple to express a sentiment along the lines of: “It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about, we seem to end up in the same place no matter what.” Given this, there are tremendous benefits to starting couples therapy with a partner, before the relationship feels like it’s in a dire state. What can hinder the process of understanding, and ultimately shifting, the conflict dynamic is underlying resistance from one or both partners, due to resentment and unresolved hurt or anger. These emotions can be, of course, a part of any relationship, but for couples who have been together for a long time, the interactions and conflicts that have created these patterns may be even more deeply entrenched. While we sometimes hear people wondering, “Is it too early in my relationship to go to couples therapy,” I might reframe the question as: “How bad would you like it to be before you go to couples therapy?” Couples therapy, like individual therapy, rather than signaling that something is deeply wrong about a person or a relationship, could instead be understood as one of several tools available to people to help them feel more connected and understood. There’s no time that feels too early for that.
