What is a Performative Male?
Masculinity. What does that word bring up for you? Some traits society has historically associated with masculinity are strength, power, competition, stoicism, success. Some men express these things naturally. You can feel it from them. They are hungry to compete, to win, to exert control. Some men may feel pressured to live up to these expectations without it really being true to their natural selves. It may feel performative.
Taking physical strength as one example, think of men in the gym. The man who works hard and fast and gets in and out vs the guy doing slow reps in front of the mirror. The first man’s workout is more useful, will likely making him stronger and more powerful but the second man’s will be more noticed. One is working out for himself; the other is doing it to some extent to be noticed, to be performative. Doing something to be seen, rather than be felt.
Many men may have grown up with societal and parental expectations to perform in a certain way. Think of the competitive father who assigns value and love to sports and academic achievements. And later in life to career progression and financial success. A certain idea of masculinity was imposed on many men. For some of men it may feel congruent and true to themselves but for others less so. I have heard from many men in therapy describing their fathers as stern, competitive or stoic and sometimes I feel a yearning for more authentic and emotional connection.
In adulthood this can manifest as a pressure to perform, that could be a defense against an underlying anxiety. Life is competitive, I must play to win. Being vulnerable is dangerous. Love or recognition is dependent on material success. In online dating a pressure to display a certain type of status or value. Maybe fed by some of the perceptions of how competitive this world can be. Or working in hyper-competitive careers. This could show up in different ways. Avoiding conversations about feelings, viewing life as a race, or making overly brash shows of material success or power.
All this pressure to perform can lead to feelings of disconnection, dissatisfaction, a general unease, or more acute anxiety. If you’re pressured to play a role, you’re not living as your authentic self. Some men seek individual therapy with these core feelings of uneasiness. Therapy is a space where the need to perform gradually dissolves away, allowing a softer space to explore. It can provide insight into where these values of masculinity come from and how authentic they are to you. Understanding that pressure to perform can help reduce its power and allow you to start to live more authentically.
