Making Friends as an Adult
In childhood, friendships were effortless. You sat next to someone on the bus, or were paired together for a class project, and before you knew it, you had a new friend. As an adult, the ease of making new friends is not the same. We do not have the same environment we had as kids that made making friends so much easier. We have romantic relationships, families, work, chores to maintain a home—all of these combine to make time for old and new friends quite difficult. To look at why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult, a good place to start will be to reflect a little more on childhood and what made making friends so much easier.
As a child, the environment to make friends were always around us. I like to think about this in four key buckets:
· Constant proximity: We were surrounded by peers every day—school, recess, after-school activities.
· Shared experiences: Everyone was in the same stage of life—classes, prom, clubs, summer breaks.
· Built-in routines: There was continuous, unplanned interaction—spontaneous moments to connect without effort.
· Low stakes: We expected friendship to happen naturally, not as something to work at.
These conditions for friendship were all around us growing up. They were also expected. We did not have to put effort into them to be there.
It is helpful to think about these conditions as we try to understand why it’s can be hard to make friends as adults. We lose the environments that once made friendship effortless—no more school hallways, dorm rooms, or sports where connection happened naturally. After college, our worlds become more segmented, and people’s lives start moving in different directions. Friends get married, move away, or have children, and the once-shared routines of daily life begin to disappear. Work can offer proximity to others but not always connection; people are in different life stages and have varying priorities.
If you are an adult struggling to connect with new friends, these are helpful ideas to think about.
· First, be intentional. As kids, the proximity and closeness to others was around us all the time. To have this regularity to others now, we need to be intentional to create that environment. Join groups—clubs, classes, recurring meet-ups. If it’s not in our calendar to surround ourselves with new people, we lose the opportunity to engage with others.
· Second, initiate. Friendships do not happen by accident. Send the text, reach out and make the plan. We are adults with busy lives. Others may appreciate you carving out time to dedicate time to spend together.
· Third, pair personal goals with friends. Want to learn to cook? Join a class with a new friend. Need to get your exercise in? Ask someone to join you on a weekly walk. Get creative with pairing personal interests and goals with a chance to spend time with others.
· Fourth, be vulnerable and understand differences. This last one is important. When we are looking to connect with new friends, it is possible that it doesn’t work out. It may hurt a bit, and that’s okay. People are busy and have full lives. Hold an understanding that those you reach out to may be on a different path right now. If the attempt doesn’t plan out, it doesn’t have to be personal or a marker of your ability to connect. Holding this in mind may give you the resilience you need to keep trying.
· Lastly, rekindle old ties. Adult life is full of responsibilities. An old friend may be struggling just as you are to make time. Reaching out may be just the text or phone call they need to prioritize the time.
Friendship may no longer come as effortlessly as it once did, but with intention, openness, and care, we can still build the kinds of connections we are looking for.