A Therapist's Guide to New Year's Resolutions
It’s that time of year again: New Year's resolutions. As a therapist, I’d like to offer some guidance as you think about setting goals for the year ahead.
Before getting into advice on how to set goals, it's worth quickly naming why solutions often fail. Many people too often look ahead and make goals based on their shortcomings or failures, an insecurity. We tell ourselves that if we fix this one thing, we’ll finally feel better. These goals are often driven by shame, urgency, or comparison. While these goals may feel like we are improving ourselves, they are often missing the underlying feeling that drives them. When the underlying emotion isn’t addressed, the goal rarely sticks—and if it does, it often feels hollow.
A more solid place to start is turning inward and getting curious about your feelings. Ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to change this part of myself? Try thinking about your goals less from a self-improvement perspective and more from a self-understanding perspective. Reflect on this past year. What felt good for you? What felt draining? Were there patterns in your relationships, your work, or the ways you coped with stress? These reflections are much more valuable than what you think you "should" be doing differently.
Next, reflect on the deeper meaning behind some of the goals. If you want to exercise more, what is driving this? Is it the need to look better, build strength, or longevity? If your goal is to stop procrastinating, where do you think this comes from? Is it driven by fear, a desire to be perfect, or is there a sense of overwhelm? There’s a lot to learn about yourself if you reflect on the meaning behind the goals. When you understand what’s driving the behavior, the goal becomes more compassionate and more realistic.
This brings us to values. Goals tend to work better when they’re rooted in values rather than outcomes. Outcomes are external and fragile; values are internal and stabilizing. For example, someone might say they want a relationship. If that goal is driven by insecurity or fear of being alone, it can create pressure and self-doubt. A values-based shift might look like prioritizing emotional safety, autonomy, and connection. This can happen whether you are alone or with a partner.
Another common example is reading goals. For example, you might set a goal to "read 52 books" this year. This may reflect a value of being disciplined or intellectual. What often happens, though, is that you end up feeling rushed, guilty for not finishing the books, and joylessly checking boxes on each book. Here, you can turn your goal towards your values—you value being curious, or gaining depth on a subject matter. This goal might instead lead you to read books that genuinely draw you in, even if there are fewer of them. The result is more pleasure, deeper engagement, and learning that actually sticks.
Lastly, it’s also important to ask: What does it mean about me if I don't reach this goal? If falling short on your goals gives you a sense of shame or self-criticism, then you might want to rethink the goals. Goals should support your well-being, and not become another measure of your value.
As you set out to make those New Year's goals, I hope that you will reflect on some of this advice. You don’t need a new self—just a more honest relationship with the one you already have. The purpose of a new year isn’t reinvention. It’s about taking what you already know about yourself and allowing it to guide how you move forward. Start where you are, with what’s true, and go slowly, led by curiosity rather than force. That’s often where real change begins.